My Life Story
!!!WORK IN PROGRESS!!!
!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!
I began writing this after I began aa mini web series with ANGEL FACES INC. WE began talking about resiliance. My therapist and councilor both suggested writing out my life story to high light majors parts of my life that have affected me to this day and allow me to proess them. As I continue writing and revising I will continue to update here as well to allow others to hear aabout my life.
Staza
During the Zoom session on August 17th
I was asked “How are you resilient?” then was asked “Before yore accident (my
burns) can you think of a time you had to be resilient?” at the time I could
not though after much thinking I realized there have been many times in my life
I have had to be resilient (before and after my injury).
Recently in therapy I wrote out ALL my life
traumas. My first at TWO YEARS OLD!! For many memories don’t begin to really
form until about age 3 or 4 though o clearly remember my Nono (grandma) getting
diagnosed with breast cancer I remember
helping pull her hair out before my Ahdah(grandpa) shaved the rest. I believe
that was my fist trauma. I had to be resilient then.
Jump ahead to 5/6 I as well as my younger sister
witnessed our Nono having a grandma seizure. I again had to be strong and
resilient. Visiting our Nono in the hospital after having a brain tumor removed
seeing the scar and learning not only had the cancer returned it had metastasized.
I remember helping her clean her port that was for her chemo treatments.
Contnuing to go to school as if things were fine at home as we were all living
together so my parents could help with bills and assure she got he treatment
she needed.
I then am forced to remember going to school in
fort worth. I whole heartedly support the BLM here is why…
While going to shoo in fort worth I was 1 of only
a handful of “white” students. Prior to this I identified as a mixed Hispanic
as my fathers side was majority Hispanic. Going to school and being labeled
white was interesting. I grew accustomed to “we don’t touch each others hair” “we
don’t get our hair wet at the pool” I had great friends despite our difference
in skin color.
By 3rd grade my Nonos health had
greatly improved so my family (mom dad sister and I) moved to a little town in Johnson
county. I was then amerced into a primarily white school. I was not used to
this I ended up gravitating to the only POC in the school they were my first friends in this area. I
was shocked by e fact the girls in this area played with each others hair! Lice
Checks happened once a six weeks which hadn’t happened in my previous school. I
ended up adjusting pretty well. My life seemed to normalize as we were not as
worried about my Nonos health. I got into student council I was in gifted and
talented even began having sleep overs and joined a dance team.
My 7th and 8th grade year came around
and I noticed a change in my parents. Unknown to me my father was struggling
with drug addiction. I began to act out. Sneaking boys in sneaking out sending
provocative photos to boys much too old for my young age. Me being so young of
course my actions eventually came to light. Needless to say my parents were
disappointed I remember after my photo
had been leaked around the school the news got to my mom. I remember telling
her I would give her my camera phone but would like a basic phone and that I
wanted to tell my dad myself. Almost a ,onth went by we were at a family friends
house when my dad started asking questions
I ended up talking to kilns husband about it and he said he’d be with me
to tell my dad and would go on a drive with him after to help him process it, Heinz
sight 20/20 they were doing drugs together and he knew getting my dad high
after I told him would help. I had to be resilient then to tell my dad and own
up to my mistakes.
To this day I can still imagine him crying on that
front porch.
Fast forward to beginning of 8th grade my
dad had already had 2 knee surgeries was seeing pain management for his back
and suddenly was having heart problems and couldn’t keep a job he was getting
“laid off” things got really tough. My mom was ready for a divorce. My dad
would regularly come to me and apologize for things unsaid by him I didn’t
understand the apologizes until one day my mom was on her way to give him
divorce papers and prayed “ lord if it’s not meant to be give me a sign” she
got a call from my dad at jps he had heart issues and meth was found on him he was
told to have her come dispose of them and voluntarily check into rehab or hed
go to jail. That evening my mom came home ad told me about it . he spent 24 hrs.
in jps psych before he was released he told us he was gonna live with his aunt
in fort worth. I knew his dads side of the family were drug addicts I
remembered when we started going around them again I began seeing a change in
my dad. I begged him to go home and get help. He decided to check into huguley
he was there in their psych unit I want to say 3 weeks. Got out and did outpatient
couples counseling. I remember the Christmas of 2008 was probably the first
Christmas in years my dad actually bought gifts himself he got me Bella y Chihuahua
a bit before he went to rehab. Things were just all around getting better. He
even started going to church with us again and got saved. The end of that year
I tried out for the dance team for or high school. I made it I called my dad first “ hell yeah!!!!” he had
said to me he was sooo proud. That summer was great lots of family time. We
even went on a church camping trip middle of august. On august 16th
2009 a Sunday at church a lady stopped our pastor and told him there’s going to
be an explosion in Venus that’s going to bring us together. That next day I had
“fish camp” or freshman orientation the dance team I was on would be preforming
I was excited I was ready. I remember we had lots of trash from a family friend
who was a hoarder my mom was helping her clean her house as well as our trash
as there was a burn ban in the county. We also had mini Coleman lantern propane
tanks. We were driving to the high school when he flicked a cigarette out the
window soon I saw flames I said dad the truck is on fire. We pulled over. I
don’t remember our conversation though we were not far from home so we got back
in to go home and handle the situation
my dad was driving very quickly. I texted my bf at the tie the truck is
on fire he said get out I said I will I remember telling my dad I couldn’t
breathe he handed me a towel from behind the seat. I then remember throwing my
phone out the window and telling my dad I would jump out as I saw the window
tint cracking I knew the glass was going
to bust. When I looked out the door the ground was moving soo fast I couldn’t
do it then it happened the first explosion screamed “oh my god” they say that’s
what saved my throat and lungs I remember seeing bkack and then I was on the
hard dry ground.it didn’t hurt it flt as though when you get bath water so hot
its cold and a bucket of that was just tossed on me. My dad had slowed down
afer that explosion went through a mail box a barbed wired fence and then came
to a gentle stop at a tree in a field 3 doors down from or home. I got up off
the ground everything was blurry I look back and see flaes and the water metr
guy running to us. I hear our neighbors I tell them I cat see they guide me
with their voucea through the hole in the fence as im crossing the road and my
vision has some what cleared I see my clothes r burnt my bra is falling off I
shake it off my arms my dance shorts and tights are melted I can see my
underwea one jazz sneaker I kick off since its barely holding on I go into fays
house 3 doors down and across the street from my hose she has me sit in a chai
in her kitchen I ask if im naked she says yes so I ask for a blanket I ask if
chris is home and if so for him not to come in. her dogs r sniffing me I tell
her to pease take them away. I then aask her to call 911 helps alreay on the
way I ask her to call my mom but my memory is fuzzy her and my dad switched
numbers I couldn’t remember whos was whos so I ask her to pray for me. Then our
next door neighbor comes in staza staza wheres ur mom wheres ur sister I tell
her she goes to tell her daughter and comes back I ask about my dad she says
hes alive I ask if its bad she says yes I ask if hes hurting she says yes hes
asking people to pray with him. I ask do I have hair she yea its there. We hear
sirens she goes to check its for my dada as his injuries seem worse. Finalky
the on for me is there I stand up drop the blanket I want to say it was green
fleece and get upagaist the stretcher the emt explains hes going to put a burn
blanket on me then strap me down and put a c ollar on me then im lifted up ot
the house and into an ambulanc I remember them looking for vien accsess and
telling them my feet my feet they rnt burned then I went into cardiac arres and
remember nothing till iwas in and out of consciousness in icu.
In ICU I remember oneevening I was awake andi told
my mom I was going t sit up and I did my momgot the nurses to assist me but I
did it! Sadly since my burns were sever and I hade a trach I got weaker and
eventually coudnt move much unassisted my bf at the time travis visited
regularly on occasion friends would visit me. Eventually I got to where I
walked with assistance to the hall window and dr purdue said its time to go to
ACU. I was excited I hadn’t seen myself
at all so I often asked people how I looked they always said you look like
staza. My child life specialist took photos of me from far and near to show me
so id be prepared since acu had mirrors. That was the first time I cried not
whe I asked about my fdad ad fund out he had passed not when the accident
happened not even during wound care and after surgeries. But seeing my face the
scabs the lack of hair the way that too me I looked like a stranger it broke me
I cried for at least an hour. I was heart broken. It wasn’t even just about how
I looked I felt like my entire family my bf at the time everyone had been lying
to me. I didn’t look like staza. I looked terrible. 26 surgeries all that pain
and this is all they had done for me.
Shortly after I went to the acute unit then the
rehab unit 3 days before my 15 birthday I got to go home. My moms sister moved
in wth us temporarily to help care for me. Finally after 5 months I was allowed
Gatorade and water. I got to see my dog Bella got to sleep in my bedroom wear
some of what I wanted. It was rough
constantl waking up at night with pain itching relux or just wanting to
switch positions. Needing family to help me use the restroom bathe dress even
eat. I hated losing my independence I felt like my family began to resent me
and I them. I had already missed most of my freshman year soon after going home
inlost my long term bf. And just started to grieve the loss of my dad as I was
focused on healing in the hospital I didn’t begin grieving ill I got home.
By February
my mom had connected to her and my dads middle school friend sean who had 5 of
his own kids they lived in tennesse. My mom took a trip to visit so my sister
and I stayed at home with my aunt. I suspected they were more than friends
since when id wake up multiple times a night she no longer seemd upset about it
as she was usually on the phone with him.. soring break came around I coud do
more on my own still needed a lot of help I couk shor distances alone though
still needed help with restroom bathing and getting up fron sitting. We spent
spring break visiting them. I remember one night I needed my mom so my sister
went to get her her and sean were sharing a bed which upset us. His kids seemed
nice though. On or drive home my mom
started talking to us abot them moving down to help us. My sister and I were
very against it. I remember telling her I wasn’t reay I hadn’t grieved my dad
yet she said that she had. Back home I started “school” I was basicly isolated
in content mSTERY to “test out: of classes. By june 2010 she moved him and his
5 kids in. they stayed in the living room as their room they really just came
down with clothes till they could sort out everything else.
